Stank News
Stanks News
Last News Report: The Real Chocolate Factory
This is it folks, this is what this site is for. Our news section is full of captions that we believe should be known.
We at Stank News support the one who we think should be Governer and we strongly agree with each other on our pick for this election of erection.
We Vote For Douche
You Heard it here. Douche For President
Cast your vote for this election of erection deflection and Vote for Douche
by; Kyle kikuchi
Man-Bear-Pig
Al Gore warned you, but none of you listened. We at Stank News are also about people's safety. Now There's a new threat to the U.S. And that threat is Man-Bear-pig.
Half man, half bear, and half pig. Yes, that's right, you heard it hear. Man-Bear-Pig has been spotted all over the south of the U.S. Only God knows where he will strike next. Everyone, get inside your homes, lock your doors, windows, showers, and hug Mr. Snuggle-Buns the teddy bear in fear. I know i will. Because Man-Bear-Pig may strike at any moment. Some of you may already be dead. Stay in your homes, and if we're alive by tomorrow, then we'll know we're not dead.
This news report is brought to you by Troy Terrell
Angelina's Piece of Shit Baby
Angelina Jolie and her bitch, Brad Pit, had a baby the other day. The couple is making anyone who wants pictures of the baby to pay $4,000,000 just to get a picture of that little shit. Is he really so important that someone has to pay that much just for a fucking picture. I can't believe that anyone is that dumb and rich to see the youngster.
Not many people are that dumb and rich. Now it's just getting on my nerves that Brangelina is that prikky, what pricks they are. Luckily, for all of you fans that are so ancious to see this piece of shit baby, I stole a picture of the baby to see who the future Tomb Raider or Alexander is. But are you ready to see with your own three eyes what this little piece of shit looks like. It's a pretty cute little shit. I think that this will be the greatest child star of the future, here Is a picture of the baby youve all been waiting to see..............This is a picture of the baby in its personalized crib, hope you enjoy this picture taken the day of the baby's birth.
How cute, I can't believe how amazingly unique this baby looks. I'm so syked that I stole this picture from the two Huge Stars. Well, was it worth it.BY:Kyle Kikuchi
The Duff Trial
Two weeks ago a girl was raped. The brutal tragedy is not only affecting the victim's personal life but also her ass is sore, red, and is affecting her anal-sex life.
Pee Wee Herman
Steven Seagal
Homer Simpson
and Chyna Doll
The victim of this crime is Hilary Duff.
After the rape her face went from this,(the picture above), to this, (the picture below)
She is currently in the "Hospital of Raped Little Chlidren" recovering form bruises and vaginal infections. Hilary confermed that the crime took place at a snowball stand off of Roosevelt and Veterens.
Some crime scene infestigators discovered yellow jizz.The cast of C.S.I. knew who had commited the crime, who else but Homer Simpson. Yesterday, inside the "Court Room of Raped Little Children", te trial was held tightly. Homer's lawer was Bob Barker
And Hilary's lawer was this fortune cookie from Fong's.
So on and so forth, Homer Simpson pleaded to be not guilty. Even though Homer and Bob put a good fight, Hilary and that Fortune cookie from Fong's put up a better one. Besides the judge already figured that Homer was guilty.
And The one simple word
D'OH!, gave everybody the right idea, that Homer
lost And Hilary Won and would recieve 1 million dollars and a three eyed fish.
Hilary Duff's victory gave Homer Simpson life in prison 
and the judge picked his own personal "bitch" for Homer.
"Don't drop the soap Homer Simpson, Don't drop the soap."
By:Troy Terrell
My Interview with Dick Cheney
After watching the Omen, it inspired me to have a heart to heart sit down with America's very own shooter of the faces, Dick Cheney. After i finally got in touch with Dick i got him to come into the studio for the interview. My first question to Dick was may i call you Dick? his response to that was "No call me Dick" After ten minutes of cutesy banter i finally cut right to the chase and asked Dick "So, can i call you Dick?" to which he responded "I'll cut you bitch." and ran out of the studio naked.
This interview brought to you by: Ryan Austin
LUCK RUNS OUT OF MAGIC
The once magical Lerpechaun has officially run out of magic.
Lucky was involved in high speed chase yesterday. While he was floating on the heart shaped marshmellow it suddenly stopped and took a nose dive for the ground. after he tried several time to get it back in the air those damn kids had finally gotten lucky, and his not so magicly delicious lucky charms. Lucky has since gone into deep bouts of depression and the once joyful magical Lucky we knew is now nothing but a common hooligan
Story by: Ryan Austin
-The Real Chocolate Factory-
Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory has dazzled children both young and old for many years and still manages to give us new treats here and there.
Yes, very many treats for all the children to enjoy while lying in bed with a cartoon, if its possible. But why does Willy Wonka do this? What is his soul purpose? And why do I ask so many god damn questions? I was extremely determined to find the answers to this mysterious man of Tasty Treats.
"So Willy, why do you sell candy to children young and old alike?..." So Willy says with a sweet sounding voice,"Well you see, I love children, and so my son blanket, I love it when children come over to my house and play with my...candy." "Well that sounds exciting, but a little suspicious to me..." "There is nothing to worry about, I would never hurt a child, thats why my candy is filled with love" "Uh...ok" "You see children, I, mm...Willy, love you all so very much you should all come to my...chocolate factory and play with my...candy, yes, candy." By now I have come to a conclusion to who the real Willy wonka is, but I have to play it safe, "So, who named you, Willy" "Oh I d...my mother" "So Willy, what is your favorite type of candy" "Well I never eat the candy, its only for the children" I was getting kinda nervous to see the real Willy Wonka was, "Hmm..." Then I started to notice something "WHAT THE FUCK YOUR FACE IS FALLING OFF!!!!" "Oopsy, I gotta go" "Wait!!" so grab his shoulder ad he quickly turned around and said
"Oh my god, I knew it!" Its Melester Mike! He said in a scared voice"You don't understand! I love the children, I'm only like a preist, I just want to...guide them" So I quickly punched him in the face, but when I pulled my hand away, I noticed that there was putty all over it. Then I looked up "Wheres your nose" I got the fuck out of there before anything weird happened. And now I the truth about "Willy Wonka" but is the last of MJ, melester Jackson...By:Kyle Kikuchi
Hockey and Steroids
It has come to our attention that hockey players from all around the world are misusing the drug known as "steroids". Even the pussy punk hockey players from Canada are bulking up this season. "But Dont steroids shrink your genatals", yes they do, but canadians always had small penises so maybe their penises will be about the same, I dunno. But we searched into this topic and found these results, that the hockey players went from this
To this
by; Kyle kikuchi
Shit this is good Stuff
How We Got Cheetos
The dangerously cheesy Cheetos have been swiffering the nation because of their cheesy taste. Promoting that cheesy taste of Cheetos is Chester the Cheetah. Chester has been advertising Cheetos for 11 years, 6 months, and 19 days, to this very day. Something you may not know is that Chester the Cheetah was not always Chester the Cheetah. Back in the day, he could only found in Africa, the grassy plains of Africa, Chester was your average, every day cheetah cub.
He grew up in the wild hunting like a wild pussy, never the less he's a cat. Hunting flies and elk that his mother already killed for dinner, and his own tail..
When Chester was a teenaged cheetah, his mother killed people from an African tribe. So the tribe warriors hunted Chester's family. They killed his mother, 2 dads, brother, and sister who had a vagina infection. So Chester fleed the scene, and hid his identity with a cool pair of shades. Then Chester hopped on a plane heading toward America. There he stayed at a zoo for several months. The zoo was not a clean place. Chester became lactos-intalerent and was fed milk and started to shit on everything and everywhere. So one day a commercial producer was in the zoo with his grandma and saw Chester and thought "That's the perfect shiting cheetah." "How much." he asked the zoo owner, and the zoo owner said "free." "great" the producer said. From there Chester began making and acting for Cheetos. Mixing the ingredients, and acting for the commercials. " "What are the ingredients in Cheetos" you ask. Corn meal, vegetable oil, soy salt, cheese, Chester the Cheetah's shit, lactic acid, artificial flavor and color, and citric acid. Now every time a Cheetos commercial goes on the air, Chester gets $1000 dollars. Scaring me and little kids around the world.
WARNING : Cheetos are dangerously cheesy and may cause harm to little children who endulge in this product.
By: Troy Terrell
Shoot Me Up Elmo
The new toy that is sweeping the nation is Shoot Me Up Elmo.
Where kids of all ages can experience with using drugs. Inject Elmo with heroin and other certain drugs. This toy comes with 2 kilograms of heroin, 2 disposable serenges, and a talking Elmo.
Batteries not included.
By : Troy Terrell
Ipods are beginning to be the biggest fad since bell-bottom jeans, well even though we were not warned, im bringing to your attention that Ipods are beginning to rule over humanity and will soon destroy us all, Scary movie 4 tried to warn us by using a terrible joke
But unsespectably we never believed that those dumbass creators would be right and it will soon become true, but they will not turn into tripods. No what they will use is mind control, soon anyone and everyone in the world will own one of these devices. Even midgets have a certain model fit for theyre dwarfish figure...
Cant you all see, its madness, sure we will all get our tunes to go, but is it worth it...There is only one who can destroy all of us by holding over 70,000 songs, and using its flying ability and speakers to destroy us all...
This is just a prototype
Well you heard it here first folks, Ipods want us dead, and theres nothing you can do about it.
So get your Ipod at your local fleet market
But if you get an Ipod, youve been warned
This report brought you by Kyle kikuchi
Mexicans
These damn mexicans are still tryin to take the U.S., they lost it to us a good bit ago, give up! What I think we should do is get a fuckin mine field... I can see it now
But they cant see it because they have mexicano eyes, and we should get snypers at the White house. No not to protect it from invaders, but incase George Bush sneeks out to late. All you hear is "pow" Get back in there asshole! Another thing they can do is put a picture of Courtney Love saying what they may see
"Beware"
All of our women look like this!
Problem solved, no more Mexicans, but we still have to keep this bitch. Back to the issue at discussion. So these fuckin mexicanos(thats spanish for mexicans) are tryin to find homes in our lovely country. Fuck that! fix our houses and get the fuck out of my country! And can you believe that now every fuckin thing is now translated to spanish! Lets let them stay until New Orleans is back to where its supposed to be, and then kick their asses out and keep their women! Seriously folks, follow my genius ideas, send them to the government, and enjoy cheap work without the Spanish yelling and them sleeping on our lawns. But not all Mexicans are bad...
By: kyle kikuchi, dont worry the ones already here are cool with me.
Premarital Sex
Students and teachers have alway argued about premarital sex. Catholic schools say youll go to hell if you "bond with your partner" before the big ring exchange because marriage is a sacred bond between two people allowing them to rock out between the sheets. But teens dont seem to listen about the rumors of hell, pregnancy, and STDs. They just keep fucking like rabbits
, its crazy!
Horny boys will do anything to scratch that kitty cat. Another thing religion teachers have a problem with is pornograpy. Ok, so your telling me that a low paying worker of a catholic school with all those hot teen girls...or guys, no...doesnt go to there house and look at other hot naked teens
No, not falling for it. I know the truth behind teachers ok. Ive known many for fifteen years, its insane how souless math teachers are. And if your banging a girl (which is against your religion) than your gonna jack-off (which is against your religion), which is a problem if your catholic. Fuck That! im gonna fuck and masterbate when I want. Not saying fuck god and all that, but Im sayin im gonna enjoy life according to myself, not guide lines. But all you hot young teen girls gotta stop fucking all these guys (and meet me at my house for some fun) By:Kyle Kikuchi
-Cypress Hall-
One of my freinds on myspace stated how much they hate cypress hall and anyone that goes there. Yes, we thank you Jordan for your insite, I to believe that cypress is a Queer convention full of faggy goth kids who think they are cool for being gothic. All the poser Goth kids dont understand that noone likes them except for other people with no freinds. Yes, its true so go cry goth kids...cry till your eyes fall out of your head, which is probably a real gothic song, go kill yourself. Seriously, how the fuck do you people hate life so fuckin much that you cut yourself. Sorry im getting off topic as usual. Well what you dont know is im building a bomb to destroy the "Hall of Lame" just so Cypress can look like what I really want it to look like
Your welcome. By:Kyle kikuchi